I had cried and whined and begged God to give Daniel and me this little dreamland "getaway", and all the while He knew that we would not sleep a wink, Daniel would not be allowed to do his favorite thing in the whole hospital, and I would have to fight the flu laying on that rock-hard bench while my healthy kiddo bounced from wall to wall going crazy and begging me to play Go Fish for which I could barely sit upright. The whole thing was absolutely hilarious.
Praise God I thought that because I was at the end of my rope listening to myself snivel. We didn't have Daniel's ANC so I didn't know if we would be going home that day, but at that point it didn't matter. I had calmed down from all my temper tantrums and said to the Lord, "Do whatever you want, OK? I'm done trying to steer this ship!" Daniel and I talked about this and I told him the lesson I had learned from being demanding about my way. Then I told him we would pray about it and I asked if he wanted to stay. He did! I was submitted to whatever, but I kiiiind of wanted to stay too, if only because I did not have the strength to walk from here to there without a rest, let alone pack up all our belongings and schlep them from the 7th floor down to the mini van. I was give out just thinking about it!
Well, Daniel's ANC was still down plus I was reminded that they wanted to keep us for 48 hours after the initial blood cultures to rule out bacterial infections (I was out of practice on the whole in-patient thing!). That meant we would stay until at least Sunday evening depending on Sunday's ANC. Fine. Great. NO packing today! Perfect. I spent the day laying on the bench like last week's dish rag trying not to think about (or catch a whiff of any) food, and Daniel spent the day watching movies. (Let it be noted that he is not fond of watching hour after hour of TV, no sir. This one wants to go and DO something! But that day he was willing to sit, and I was very, very grateful. It was a gift!)
The next morning as we awaited the much dreaded, anticipated, loved or hated ANC, I wanted to pray about it with Daniel. I asked him if he wanted to go home or stay and he said, "I just want whatever God wants." How sweet, I thought and then I asked again, "OK, Buddy, but what do you want?" I'll never forget the look in his eyes when my precious 5 year-old son said, "No really, Mama. I want it to be whatever God wants!"
I was deeply encouraged in that moment. My son is better at this than I am! Maybe I'm not messing it up as badly as I thought...
Hmmmmm, no, I messed this one up pretty badly and no two ways about it. Let's see . . . OK, maybe in spite of messing it up badly, my son was able to see me admit my wrongs and re-submit my heart to the Lord. Yes! And maybe, just maybe, he's learning to do the same . . .
Thankfully Daniel's ANC was back up (in record time!) and we were able to head home around 5:00 Sunday evening. It was just enough of a crummy hospital stay to a.) give me my way, b.) teach me that "my way" isn't all it's cracked up to be, c.) remind me I don't actually know anything, d.) re-submit my heart to the Lord and whatever He wants, and of course, e.) . . .
Lots of "hot chotlick". ;)
Lord, please forgive me for throwing a fit when I didn't get my way this time around. Thank you for giving me my way and letting me learn an important lesson from getting it. Thank you, both for being gentle with me and for not letting me off the hook too easily. Thank you for the time with my precious Nanamoo and the things we got to learn together. Thank you for healing Daniel from that high fever and protecting him from every serious infection. And thank you for hot chocolate.